Monday, October 5, 2009

Bamalympics! (a Monday extra)

Presenting – the ‘BHOlympics!

Our Commander-in-grie ... er .. chief has ignited games fever all around the world, and we ought to take advantage of it before the iron cools.

I know he has more important things to contemplate right now, so lets assume a full standing position for a while, and come up with a few suggestions – and appropriate venues – for a round of games that will put our sorry shambles of a country back on the international map.

We need to use every possible means to make these games as non-confrontational as possible, so that extremely sensitive persons need not fear. For example, those nations with a nasty capitalistic philosophy, or a disagreeable attitude toward global warming will be handicapped accordingly, and taxed where applicable, in order to enable less fortunate nations/states/cities/’hoods to compete on an even playing field.

Furthermore, insensitive words such as ‘accountability’, ‘morality’, ‘work’, ‘responsibility’, or ‘integrity’, along with any other words or expressions deemed politically unacceptable by a yet-to-be-appointed Games Czar,(Jimmy Carter is on the short list) must not be used. Nor will expressions of patriotism be acceptable, as we do not want to be seen as creating a hostile environment for those rogue nations who will be invited and encouraged to attend.

Additional rules and penalties will be inserted in the final draft of this proposal – after it is voted on and passed – as deemed necessary and advisable by said Games Czar, with advice and counsel from Rev Wright, E. Emmanuel, B. Ayers, et al.

As to format of the games, the “Yes We Can!” logo will be displayed prominently, supported on pillars constructed from the blocks of crushed and twisted metal which are the remains of the Cash for Clunkers program.

Instead of polluting the environment and wasting precious natural resources by lighting an extremely inefficient torch, a single Compact Flourescent Bulb, powered by solar panels during the day, and a bicycle-powered generator at night will be used to open the ceremonies. China has agreed to provide this light (and the bicycle and rider) in honor of their promise to look into alleged human rights violations “real soon now.”

Flags used in the processionals during the opening and closing ceremonies must all be the same size and color, in order to avoid discrimination and embarrassment.

Medals will be identical for all contestants, and the awards podium will be at one level for all. Again, this will foster harmony, and engender a spirit of unity overall. Instead of a national flag and anthem, a 12 meter by 15 meter picture of the games’ founder – Barack Hussein Obama – will be permanently displayed, and “We Are The World” or “I’d Like To Teach The World To Sing” will be played.

And to especially honor the games’ founder, extra points will be awarded in every event for those who devise a new way to apologize for his or her country.
[insert appropriate deity here] knows we all could stand to apologize more!

Suggested Games:

A preliminary list of games is in place, but additional suggestions will be considered, based on their adherence to the established rules. The list follows:

1) Visually Challenged leading the Visually Challenged. – persons with extreme tunnel vision (or with blinders to simulate tunnel vision) will attempt to negotiate a straight line route from dumpster to mansion, symbolizing the promised fulfillment of unrealized hopes, dreams, and promises made to millions during the Great Campaign of 2008. To lend more reality to the symbolism, able-bodied people who have, and are already demonstrating that they can carry their own loads will be dragged onto the course and forced to pick up and carry bodily all contestants to the finish line (and to wherever else they demand to be carried).
2) The great resource-waster demolition event, where contestants will use sledgehammers to crush and destroy any vehicles or appliances that escaped the Cash for Clunkers program. A second phase will award extra points to those who can wrest enough cash from those who have it only because they earned it, and use it to smother the emissions from the smokestacks of factories in this country where those despised “M*de in Am*r*ca” items are still being manufactured. (Asterisks used here to avoid offending sensitive persons.)
3) Race to the Provider – Formerly illegal immigrants, now made citizens by executive order, will race against the elderly to see who can get to the doctor’s office and pharmacy first. In deference to age and disability, there will be 3 and 5 minute head-starts for those in wheelchairs and on crutches. Points will be deducted for tripping anyone with a cane. *** The latter is still open to interpretation as to whether it means “tripping someone by use of a cane”, or “tripping someone who is using a cane.” This case is expected to come up before our Supreme Court during our leader’s third term.
4) The “Cross the River and Over the Fence” race, in which contestants will make a dash across a simulated Rio Grande, climb over a simulated fence (which may or may not be in place at any given time or place) and lose themselves in the vast, free-for-all paradise which is Am*r*ca. (Again – asterisks used to avoid offence) Additional points will be awarded for previous deportees, those carrying AK-47s, and those who make it straight to an Emergency Room or Maternity Ward.
5) The “Throw Money at it Until it Goes Away” event, in which unlimited stacks of money will be procured at government printing houses, and piled on top of other moneys that are slowly sinking into giant sink holes on Wall Street, and Washington DC, as well as various state capitols (mainly blue states) and left-leaning non-profit organizations around the world. Extra points are awarded here, for anyone who can manage to throw a compatriot under the bus while doing so.
6) Finally, the Accelerated Vote race, in which points are awarded based on the speed with which one casts a vote in the affirmative for any of the administration’s proposals. Points will be awarded in several categories, with the most points going to those who vote “Yea” for anything connected with health care reform. Extra points are awarded for those who show the most enthusiasm!

And remember – 1000 extra points will be awarded in every event to anyone who can score while making someone – especially GW Bush, Ronald Reagan, or Hilary Clinton – in a previous administration look extremely bad.

We are sure that there are more games that could be added to this proposal. Feel free to do so.

(c) howard tuckey
October, 2009

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